Dear readers, today is a most joyous day for all of us Americans.  Today our Fearless Leader was awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace!  What a truly glorious time to live in this universal plane of existence!  I cannot tell you all how happy I am to hear this news!

                 I assume that by now you have all stopped dancing in the streets (even you, Bowie) and calmed yourselves.  No worries though, for there is much celebrating in the future, I assure you.  For Mr. Obama(mama)’s victorious march to Oslo has inspired me to better myself.  It has now become crystal clear to me that anyone, regardless of utter lack of qualifications or achievements, can win just about any considerable honor they truly don’t set their minds to winning.  For example:

  1. This year I will rush for 1600 yards and score 63 touchdowns en route to my first Heisman Trophy.
  2. I have just put the finishing touches on what will be next spring’s Oscar winning original screenplay (it’s about the fragile relationship between an alcoholic father and his autistic daughter, starring Mickey Rourke as the daughter and Hamilton J. Pig as the father)
  3. My investigative journalism on behalf of this blog will win me a Peabody. (for my upcoming piece on where the hell my lap goes when I stand up)
  4. I will win the New York and Boston Marathons in record time, on the same day, after running from NY to Boston.  This feat should take me just under 17 minutes.
  5. I will win Car & Driver’s Automobile of the Year, without a car!
  6. On a related note, I will win the J.D. Power & Associates award for best customer service (for producing a car that never fails!)
  7. Finally, I expect to win the coveted America’s Cup with my trusty sail boat “Sarcasm.”

                But really, all kidding aside.  I’m not a fan of Obama but I congratulate him for his accomplishments.  I just can’t shake the suspicion that this is simply the world’s worst example of Affirmative Action run completely amuck.  I await a well-informed reader who can give me a list of 10 significant things that our Fearless Leader has accomplished in his short tenure that warrant his victory.  The only one I can see is that he has brought more blue neckties to the Oval Office.  But hell, Tommy Hilfiger could have done that.  And probably more convincingly.

                The bottom line here folks, is simply this: at what point do we stop coddling the President for his landmark, post-racial victory (whatever that means) and begin demanding some serious results?  The three polls I looked up today show over 60% of respondents say he doesn’t deserve this award.  How long before those same 60% become voters who reject his ego and press him for real results, not whirlwind trips to Copenhagen to try to score the Olympics. 

                Shoot, I almost forgot!  I’ll also be fighting my way deep into Afghanistan to rescue my imprisoned mentor, Richard Crenna, with the help of some scrappy local fighters.  No, wait, that was Rambo 3.  Never mind.


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