Give me back by eagles!

            As I get closer to being 30 years old (Run, Logan!) I find myself pining over the old days, yearning for a simpler time.  Today’s fast-paced, globally-connected, world 2.0 has got my head swimming a bit.  But of all the things that I have watched change before my very eyes, few have been as disturbing as on of the most basic elements of our national economy.  So I have dedicated today’s blog to a single topic: change.  No, I have not suddenly swung my support behind the naive idealism of our Fearless Leader, I’m simply talking about the shrapnel in your pocket, those poor old quarters, nickels, dimes and pennies.

            A couple years ago a great idea was put forth, to honor each of our fifty states with a personalized quarter.  Each would feature good old George “Papa” Washington on the front and a design representing the individual state on the reverse.  You’ve all seen them, even if you have no idea why Georgia’s had a big peach and Wisconsin’s had a cow.  It seemed like a great idea at the time, what a wonderful way to honor each state in the order in which they were accepted into this fine Union than by honoring what makes each of them great.

            Well, that was 1999, a decade ago.  We’ve been through all fifty now, with some people anxiously anticipating the end of each ten-week period when a new design would be available for wasting on soda machines and Salvation Army buckets at the mall.  But what to do now?  Admit more states?  Puerto Rico? Guam? U.S. Virgin Islands?  No way, don’t be silly.  But heck, let’s give them each a quarter anyway!

            I don’t have a terribly big problem with that, I’m all for honoring those territories inhabited by Americans (they’re citizens, right?) and others who use our money.  What concerns me is the fact that there seems to be no end to the supply of artwork available for the backs of quarters.  And to make matters worse, the affront to our trusted money has spread!  These days chances are good that that sock full of nickels you use to beat potential burglars is considerably lacking in portraits of Monticello.  Thomas “Baby Daddy” Jefferson still smiles from the front, but flip that sucker over and you stare down at some representation of Lewis & Clark, a buffalo, or the Louisiana Purchase. 

            Pennies?  Oh those poor, helpless little copper nuggets.  Not a year goes by that there isn’t some movement to get rid of them for good, considering their near-total uselessness.  And now they’re awe-inspiring depiction of one of our greatest national monuments has been replaced by a picture of Mr. Lincoln sitting in a chair.  Inexplicably.  I want that Lincoln Memorial back!

            In fact, I want Monticello back, and I sure as heck want the eagle back on my quarters.  To my chagrin, that doesn’t seem likely to happen any time soon.  The new quarter series will feature national parks and monuments as part of the “America the Beautiful” series.  I assume that that series will be followed by tributes to past presidents, muscle cars, college mascots, Happy Days, and finally ending with the much-anticipated “Impending Apocalypse” series.  That should just about carry us into the End Times.  Cause they’re almost here.  I’ve seen the signs.

           P.S. – I hope you got the Logan’s Run reference, and if you don’t know why Georgia’s quarter had a peach or why Wisconsin’s had a cow, you’re an idiot.  Sorry.


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