So I fudged it a bit.

Now that I’m officially a college graduate, I’m faced with the arduous task of finding myself a real job.  A career.  Daunting, I know.  I started putting together little packets with my resume, transcripts, samples of my work, brownie recipes, etc when I realized that my resume looked a bit thin.  At the same time, however, I firmly believe that plenty of people exaggerate a bit on their resumes, a little “padding” here and there.  So why should mine be much different?  It shouldn’t.  Here’s a brief list of 15 outstanding achievements of mine, listed first in the..ahem…creative way, followed by the actual meaning.  Now somebody please give me a job.

  1. I have designed and built a fortified and defensible position using only common household goods.
  2. I have taken part in the planning and execution of successful operations involving groups of between six and eighteen.
  3. I am a member of an international organization composed of hundreds of thousands of individuals dedicated to the advancement of technology and its use.
  4. I have overseen the proper maintenance and upkeep of vehicles within a motorpool.
  5. I am experienced in establishing basic physical security measures as well as maintaining those measures.
  6. I have extensive knowledge of a number of forms of communication, including state-of-the-art technologies.
  7. Through years of practice I have developed an advanced ability to conduct searches, both physically and electronically, allowing me to be better able to locate goods or information that is needed.
  8. I have experience monitoring and tracking transnational criminal and terrorist organizations
  9. I am able to quickly and effectively adapt to new environments, cultures, and customs, a skill learned through constant foreign travel over the years.
  10. My skills with modern electronics and machinery have earned my repeated praise from superiors and colleagues.
  11. I stay in shape by regular physical exercise, including hiking, weight training, and cardiovascular work-outs.
  12. I am known for my punctuality and disapproval of tardiness.  As a result I am often trusted with maintaining timetables, schedules, and deadlines.
  13. I have studied the works of specialists in a number of fields, in order to better prepare myself for unexpected events.
  14. I have experience cataloging extensive inventories of items and compiling their information in databases.
  15. I have an uncanny ability to translate technical information into non-technical language for readers unfamiliar with the subject.


 And in layman’s terms….

  1. I once built a fort using sofa cushions and pillows.
  2. I’m awesome at Call of Duty: Modern Warfare online multipayer action.
  3. My XBOX Live Gamertag is stranglehold76
  4. I watched a mechanic change the oil in my car and my mom’s.
  5. My locker at work as a Masterlock combination lock on it, to which I have forgotten the combination.
  6. I can send text, picture and video messages.
  7. Anytime my wife loses something, I find it somewhere she swears she’s already looked.  Also, I’m great at finding stuff on Wikipedia.
  8. I saw G.I. Joe twice, Cobra can’t hide from me.
  9. I went drinking in Juarez every Friday for a year, and learned a lot about fitting in with Mexicans.
  10. I can use a Magic Bullet and watch high-definition television at the same time.
  11. I walk to school every day carrying 40 lbs of books and supplies.
  12. I own four watches, and I know how to use them.
  13. I have the complete MacGuyver box set on dvd.
  14. I arranged all of my LP’s into alphabetical order.
  15. I am something of a creative writer.

1 Comment

  1. a well written piece my man.

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